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I Miss You Mom

November 16, 2009

Mamang, I miss you…

It is almost a year since you have been gone and not a day has gone by that I did not think about you just like this particular morning. I somehow saw you walking from a distance, you were your usual self. You were wearing your blue jogging pants and white hello kitty shirt. Knowing you were there made me feel that you never left, it felt so good, and it felt so complete. Unfortunately, reality snapped back and oh, there goes gravity. Ouch, it was just a dream.

Many things cross my mind each time I think about you but right now all I could think of is that it was my fault why you went away so soon and that I should have been a better daughter.

I blame myself for loosing you because of the terrible things I said and done prior the day you went away. Yes, I am guilty. I am really sorry for being such a selfish child. I did not mean to say hurtful words just because you could not give me what I wanted. I know you know how brat- like I could be when things do not go my way. I maybe like that because you pampered me so much more than you pampered my two other siblings. You never said it verbally, but I was your most favored child and your only girl. You never admitted it because you wanted us to know that you loved us three equally and unconditionally. You had supported what I needed and wanted all those years. You were my number one fan. You had spent more for me than you did to my other siblings, good thing they never complained. I guess through it they supported me as well.

I always think that I should have been a better daughter by understanding you more. You were so kind to me, in fact for me you are the best mom in this whole freaking world! You devoted all your life in taking good care of all of us three therefore, keeping little time for yourself. You were so selfless; you kept giving without expecting anything in return.

You know, I did not mean to ignore you and so did my other siblings back when you were alive. I guess as an adolescent we were so preoccupied with our selves. I do not know about my other siblings but for me, I was just trying to find my self, trying to find where I rightfully belong, trying to be independent. I guess you never got the hang of the fact that your babies are growing. I know as a mom you still wanted to be part in our lives, believe me you are, we just needed time to grow and that includes us detaching from you. You somehow felt that we do not need you anymore and that bothers you because you did not know what else to do because for many years being a full time mom was all you know. I am really sorry mom, sorry for letting you feel alone even though we were in the same house together.

I always knew nothing lasts forever and that includes life. You had Transient Ischemic Stroke (TIA), a few years back before you left us. I know as a health care student that that illness is only a warning sign to an impeding  Cerebrovascular Accident (CVA), which is a deadly disease often times some patients make it, unfortunately some others do not. You survived many years after that attack and it made me feel confident that you will stay longer but in the back of my mind I know you will eventually go someday. It was like a big billboard sign that I could read but just ignored it. I saw the warning, I saw the signs yet I only did little. I guess I became so laidback, believing that you will always be here.

Oh mom, I and kuya could talk endlessly about you. We talk of endless if’s, like if you were still here today we could have done this and that… It is really lonely without you. The house is a mess, literally and figuratively. The house does not feel so complete anymore. It feels like it is just where I spend the night at. I guess this is how it feels like to be independent, huh? Just like a young adult away from home for college or work. No rules. No curfews. Well, some wish granted for me and it does not feel good.

Nevertheless, I know you are finally at home now to our Maker. No more worries or fears for you. You need not to worry about us, we are coping just fine. We are doing our best to look out for each other. It is just that we miss you. I terribly miss you. I can not help but be emo about you because I love you and I just have to let it out.

Like what I have told you before mom, you are always welcome to come into my dreams.

PS:

I love you.

Sar Labora

R.I.P.

Love,

Your daughter

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